shes here, she is right here with me and i love her. i can reach out andd touch her and bask in her light. she is here with me, running her hand through my hair. and, i am loved. and i love her. she is my sun, the light of my life. i love her.
i have been mr.cutter tonight, haha. i dont cut myself because of some pain or anguish i feel.. more like i am chasing some sort of high. i love the feeling of blood dripping down my wrists, love the look of it. i love rubbing my fingers over the bumpy scars after they heal. i love it. you could call it an adcction of sorts i guess? anyawy, i just love looking at blood. i love it so muchuuuuuuh. sorry i sound like some sort of edgelord! well, many would consider me to be one soidk man!!!!
it doesnt matter what i do, im doomed honestly. no matter how many meds i take, how many doctors i see, i wont change truly. maybe i can be distracted from the reality for a little while but thats all. im a pitiful man. and ive been to the hospital, ive been on the medication, ive gone to the therapists, gone to the doctors. what else is there for me to do? die. death is the only way i can truly get out of this situation ive got myself into. no point in attempting to "get better" it doesnt matter what i do now. even if i did hypothetically attempt recovery, people would always see me as the psychotic, depressive, aggressive person i am. i cant change for many reasons. one, i dont want to. i know attempting to do such a thing is foolish. 2, people wont let me change for the better. not now not ever
i am disgusted with myself. people ruined me. desecrated my body, i hate you all for that, how i was treated as i child. i suffer everyday because of the consequences of YOUR actions and yet you get to go on living. i am thankful that my brain has blocked out most of my childhood memories, i complain about my awful memory but, im glad that my childhood is a blur. its not like i wish to rember those things anyway.
i belive that people who harm child are the worst sorts of evil. my purity was ripped away from me so very young, and for why? because you needed to fulfill your own sexual desires? and after that you throw me to the side and disappear?? move on to the next boy? oh god, whyw hwywhyh why.
i dont feel very connected to my body right. i dont know if that makes much sense.. it feels like i am simply moving through life and not really experiencing it..? its odd. i often feel this disconnect from reailty, i feel separate from people. i am just an observer, not actively participating in humanity. i just watch them i guess? i did that alot in elementary! i would sit on this bench next to the playground and i would silently observe the other children playing.. i must have looked very creepy.. anyways, im just trying to say that this feeling is nothing new really. i dont know if any of that made much sense.. hope it did ^_^..
i want to die. i feel like such a dull shell of a human being, i want to sink into the ground and become one with the earth. my body should only be used as fertilizer. the flowers, the woods.. stuff like that. i dont know. i really just need to die, no point in continuing this way. going on is choosing to suffer, why would you want that? its stupid.. to me, suicide is the ultimate orgasm..!
i few days ago, i attempted to run away from home. my mother wanted to go hiking, and we had been aruging all day so i refused to go. i was laying on the couch and my mother comes up behind me and pours freezing cold water one me then when i dont move she gets more water and pours more onto me. and then she starts to drag me outsdie and then i get away and start running to the gate and then i open the gate and start running. i start breathing very heavily.. i didnt have any shoes on and i was soaking wet.. i must of looked very strange to the neighbors haha!! anyway, my mother soon speeds up to me in her car and i hear my brother crying very hard so i get in the car and try to comfort him and then she drives me home. i have failed as a son and brother. i want to die very very badly right now
ive been watching alot of movies, dead poets society (one of my favs!), pearl (which i also LOVE!!), and today ive watched little miss sunshine.. i really thought it would be one of those sadder movies but honestly, it was very cute! and i really do love paul dano!!! didnt he play the riddler in the batam or something..? he was very good in that aswell,, anywqays im alot happier outside of school. my parents are consdiering sending me to a private school,, i dont really know how to feel about that.. maybe if they had nice uniforms.. that would be ok.
well, i got suspended from school lol! why? wellll i was skipping class. its kinda dumb to me that.. i kept trying to get out of school and so they just give me a break from school for a week.. lol. i am a bit upset though, lots of kids in my classes get into fights, yell in class, never get their work done, barly speak any english and yet they get no punishment? (or atleast not the same level of punishment that i have been reciving..) how odd. i just need to wait out the rest of this school year, and then im running away.. off to yet another fucking school! ugh.. i doubt things will ever change for me.. not anytime soon
yknow what i really hate? not being able to articulate myself. whenever i try to express myself, through art or writing.. its just so.. awful. its incoherent and stupid. i wish i could express myself in a way the makes sense. maybe im retarded. prolly
i want to shed my parasitic flesh and ascend. underneath my flesh is a being of pure light. an angel if you will.. i will be beautiful. i really want to leave my human form and just.. leave all of you behind. i hate humanity, i hate all of you. we are going to leave together. me and her. we'll leave you all behind. one day, you will never hear from me ever again and you will be wondering, for the rest of your life.. where we went. maybe, one day..you will understand me, how ive been feeling for my whole life. maybe. i dont know 